There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
