I'm really into asian looking animals
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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