if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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