I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
