On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
