Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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