Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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