I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
