I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
