mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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