Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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