My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
