I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
