If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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