theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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