Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I checked into jail on foursquare
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
