i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
