Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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