the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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