Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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