Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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