Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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