Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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