It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
