I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She told me I should be a condom model.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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