My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
