I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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