we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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