a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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