I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
