I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
