Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
