Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
