I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
