I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
