You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
zippers are such a cool invention
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
