this boner is exhausting
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
