how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
