I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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