you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize