You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
