She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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