its not stalking. its research.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
