I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
