He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
