Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
