anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
