He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
