just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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