....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize