ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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