Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
