My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
