I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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