I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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