Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
be right there i have to get my cape
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
