the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Blow job season was short but glorious.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
