I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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