At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize