This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
