Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
