3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
