I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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