Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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